u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
