wrigley field is MILF paradise
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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