a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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