On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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