im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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