I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
that's an acceptable place to lick
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
