When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
