im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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