I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
