Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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