Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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