2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
