I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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