There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
