How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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