my mouth tastes like poor choices
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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