in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
