my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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