I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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