Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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