You just made me feel so damn special
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
