Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
