If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize