I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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