its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
