i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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