I wish I could teleport
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
