Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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