trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
