I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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