It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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