The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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