her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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