my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
