I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
