What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
