i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
