She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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