If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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