the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
