bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize