I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
