I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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