As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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