I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize