Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
