at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I deserve this hangover.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
