Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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