I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
