mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
