hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize