I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
