3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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