matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
