Can Purell be used as lube?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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