I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
