I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
