Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
