I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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