everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
