I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
